29: infertility & loss

Disclaimer: This is incredibly long and pretty graphic. But I want/need to remember this time in my life. And I hope my struggles are comforting to someone else dealing with the physical and emotional pain of infertility. 

11 months  of infertility. 1 month of being pregnant. and today... on my 29th birthday, I had surgery to remove the tiny life from my body that could not survive. For so long I (like so many others) have suffered in silence. Not many people knew I was struggling to get pregnant, simply seeing the shiny highlight reel that instagram and my blog have to offer. And today when the text messages started flooding in wishing me a "happy birthday!" and "have the best day!" .. so many had no idea that it was actually the worst day of my life to date.

Since Maddie Jane was about three months old, I have been ready to have another baby. I would jokingly get asked when I was holding my infant daughter, "You ready for another!?" and I would always shock them by saying, "yes, absolutely!!". However AJ and I decided that another child would just be too much while we lived in California and he was still completing his PhD. We had gotten pregnant with Maddie Jane SO incredibly easy, that we didn't think it would be a big deal. The second we had his graduation in site, we would just get pregnant! Right!?

Well last October, with his graduation the following June, we had waited longer than we could stand it and started trying. And a few months went by and I didn't get pregnant, but we weren't concerned at all. It was probably for the best.. we bought a house, I got a new job.. no big deal. But then after the first of the year I bled... and bled... and bled. My once incredibly predictable 28 day cycle, was now 7 days here, 40 days there. I had no idea what was going on, and well getting pregnant definitely wasn't happening. So I went to by OBGYN and she put me on birth control for two months to try to shock my body back into doing what it was supposed to. And well.. it didn't work. I was back to crazy cycles, that didn't make much sense.

So I went to a fertility endocrinologist. They took so much blood and tested me for everything under the sun. And like it had been with my OBGYN, everything was normal. However, after a sonogram he diagnosed me with PCOS. This can totally happen after you've had one healthy pregnancy, and this was the root cause of my erratic cycles and secondary infertility. We made a plan to start letrozole after my period and then would schedule an IUI when I ovulated. I started the meds on the third day of my period and continued from the seventh. And then crazy enough, I ovulated three days later on a Friday. I called the doctor, they did blood work, and said it was a false positive and to come back Monday. I did, they repeated the blood work, and let me know we missed the ovulation window so we wouldn't be able to do the IUI. Ugh. I was so frustrated, but had my fingers crossed that the deed we did over the weekend would work on it's own.

FIVE days later, I was feeling nauseated and exhausted and felt like I should take a test even though it was so early. And sure enough two lines popped up immediately. I took another test that night, and another test the next morning and the lines kept getting darker. So the doc had me come in and he confirmed the pregnancy with a blood draw. We were over the moon, we could not even believe it was real after so many months of heartache. Until two weeks later when I started bleeding..  The fertility doctor said it was probably totally fine and to just keep an eye on it. But I knew it wasn't .. I knew something was very wrong and I called by OBGYN. She said come in - be here in 30 minutes. It was too early to see/hear much, but she wasn't too concerned. She said we will test my HCG numbers and that will let us know more. And then I got the phone call the next day at work... "Your pregnancy is most likely not viable.. Come back in three days and we will confirm."

Last week was a nightmare. I cried more times than I can count. I fought with myself, I blamed myself. I fought with God, I asked over and over WHY? WHY me!? Why are there teenagers in Target with babies, but I can't have another one? Everywhere I looked I saw big pregnant bellies, and would lose it all over again. I laughed at myself. I felt like my pain wasn't big enough -- others experience greater loss.. others never get pregnant.. I had a child. Why am I so greedy? I mourned. I tried to forget what was even happening. And AJ was in Charlotte working.. and Maddie Jane got a stomach virus.. and we had a million house showings and I just didn't think I could go one more second. But I had girlfriends fill my house with food and wine and candy and prayers. I had multiple shoulders to cry on, constant messages to just check on me.

And I survived.

I survived last week and I survived this morning. I made it through the multiple tries of my IV and blood everywhere.. I survived the awful anesthesia nausea and the after surgery ickiness. I somehow made it though signing the waiver that the hospital would be discarding my baby's remains. And while this isn't the birthday I would ever want for anyone.. I survived. And we are now starting again. Hopefully with a much cleaner state to get pregnant again. I've gotten pregnant twice, I can do it again. And I think I may be a little more open moving forward..

I hate the 12 week rule. I hate that women have the best news in the world and some of the worst nausea in the world.. but they are expected to keep a smile on and not let in on their secret. "Don't let anyone know you're suffering!" "Don't tell anyone, because you might lose the baby!" Wait what.. if I lose my baby, don't I want to be surrounded by the people I love? Don't I want to be wrapped up in support and prayer? So I say this gigantic blog post not for pity.. but maybe my little tiny voice on the internet may make a difference in someone's life. That maybe the stigma surrounding discussing infertility, babies before the first trimester, and miscarriages can somehow be wiped away?

A year ago on my birthday, I was SURE I would have a second child by my next birthday or at the VERY least, be pregnant. But I'm not.. I'm exhausted. I am tired of ovulation tests, and pregnancy tests, and blood draws, and endless doctor appointments. I am tired of disappointment and heartache month after month. So I'm trying to let my type A self let it go.. To give it over to God. I will have another child.. one day, one way or another.

When the time is right, I the Lord, will make it happen. Isaiah 60:22